HOLIDAY HORRORS '12

Frights Group presents...

HOLIDAY HORRORS '12

This slate is a handful of premieres and some Horrors favorites that we haven't watched in a few years. If I'm missing a title you want, feel free to request anything from Horrors' vast library of past entries.

TURKEY TIME

***Opening Night Premiere*** ThanksKilling 3 - Holy shit, right? They made another ThanksKilling! And they skipped part 2! This is likely to be the drunkest, sloppiest screening in Horrors history. I'm gonna have to tarp the living room like it's a fucking Gwar concert.

 Home Sweet Home (1981) - We've only screened this film once. I think everyone's afraid to revisit it. It's so cheap and awkward that it's practically an art film. And it's got so much...of the "Body By Jake" guy. We're gonna have syringes of fake PCP for this one. So we can squirt the cat and shit during the boring parts.

CHRISTMAS CLASSICS

Elf (2003) - Sarah's still stewing about the Ghost Dad bait-and-switch at Frights, so I promise we're showing Elf, which reliably floats around her "top three films of all time" list.

It's a Wonderful Life (1946) - What can be said? The ultimate. One of Horrors' favorite movies in any genre.

The Ref (1994) - New to Horrors. The disc smells so strongly of the 90s that it made me cough and flannel came out.

STOCKING STUFFERS

Campfire Tales: The Fright Before Xmas (1991) - I think the idea of this film is, when your kids are like five or six, you show it to them and be like, "Look. If you grow up and do murder, then Satan Claus will come on Xmas Eve and shred your ass and it will be shot on video." It's only like twenty minutes long because kids have short attention spans at that age.

Tim and Eric Chrimbus Special (2010) - I haven't even watched it yet and I'm already sad that at some point I will have already watched it.

The Twilight Zone: Night of the Meek (1959) - This is a cursed Horrors entry. It's been on the lineup multiple times, but never been watched. One year the disc was bad. Another year someone complained that it didn't have enough chainsaw murder and we canceled it. So here it is again.

HOLIDAY HORRORS

***Holiday Horrors Opening Night Premiere*** Silent Night (2012) - As if ThanksKilling 3 didn't already cement this as a major year for Horrors, we've got a goddamn remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night! It could suck, but it looks violent and it's got Donal Logue playing the Santa Claus killer, so wait--it already doesn't suck!

Black Christmas (1974) - Maybe the original Holiday Horrors film. Of all Christmas horror films, this one has the best cold, dark, snowy, Canadian atmosphere. Answer the phone, Billy wants to talk sex on you! 

Christmas Evil aka You Better Watch Out (1980) - Sarah's never seen this, so two years of Moss Garcia references have been really confusing for her. Now's the time to bring her in on what a little shithead Moss is. And how awesome this movie is.

Elves (1989) - I've wanted to bring this one back forever. I've been waiting for an upgrade to Horrors' shitty VHS-rip copy, but alas, no one gives a shit about Elves and it's never getting a new transfer. We'll just have to grit our teeth while the low resolution of VHS struggles to render Dan Haggerty's beard. It does, however, help to obscure the fact that the elf (there's only one) is made out of a Boglin with paper-mache around it.

Tales of the Third Dimension (1984) - Believe it or not, this is another biggie for Horrors. I read about it several years ago -- a 3-D anthology film never released on home video with one segment set on Christmas involving a grandmother trying to kill some children. I had to have it. But year after year of Horrors, the film never turned up. Last year, I actually tracked down an address for the producer and mailed him a letter asking how I could see the film. No luck. But then last January, I managed to acquire a copy via illegitimate interweb circuits. This bastard has been on the cooling rack for 11 fucking months. I can't wait to finally roll it. Oh, and that pic is the robotic skeleton that hosts the movie.

YOU'RE WELCOME FROM SATAN CLAUSE.

OCTOBER'12

Frights Group presents...

OCTOBER FRIGHTS '12

The original. The best. The worst. Chug it.

KILLER BABIES

In the unremarkable tradition of "Killer Parents" and "Killer Kids."

The Kindred (1987) - I always loved that artwork, but just now I'm finding it confusing. Is that creature supposed to be scary cause a baby could accidentally drink it? ***Note: The Kindred will be shown on VHS. Yes, the Frights Tech Team has upgraded to some multi-format gear so we can fetishize an ugly-ass dead format.

The Unborn (1991) - Remember a few years back when we had all those movies that started with "Un" (The Uninvited, The Unholy, etc)? This got rejected from that category. It's been buried at the bottom of a spreadsheet ever since and now it finally gets to be a bride. Everyone be nice to it.

SHITFEST: 90s STRAIGHT TO VIDEO

A comfy double feature of lethargic, mid-90s straight-to-video garbage. Sometimes I dream about going back in time to a video store in 1995 and diving into the Horror New Releases rack like it's the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.

Night of the Scarecrow (1995) - I'm gonna play the honesty card here. This category was supposed to be The Paperboy and The Unborn, but I then I realized I could make a "Killer Babies" section out of Unborn and Kindred. So this winner got called up to the majors. It may turn out okay. It's directed by Jeff Burr, who gave us the beloved Frights entry The Offspring. But then, Burr is also responsible for Stepfather 2, which was shitty like a bastard.

The Paperboy (1994) - The Frights crowd has a well-documented love of both evil kids and evil tradesmen, so this should be at least tolerable. Back when I worked at the video store, there was this dude who would always pick up the box and go, "The Paperboy--he wants his two dollars!" I don't think he ever actually watched the movie though. Warning: made by Canadians and possibly dainty.


SARAH FRIGHTS

Every time Sarah walks in on Frights, there's a zombie biting off a nun's face or something. She's basically about to leave me over it. So we have to drop in a nugget that's a more her speed.

Ghost Dad (1990) - Sarah's most requested Frights of all time. Note: The Frights legal team is currently in negotiations to show a rare alternate cut of the film known to collectors as Ghost Daddy-O. This is a more "mature" version of the film that the studio briefly tested in which Cosby keeps ordering pizzas and whores and cartons of cigarettes to the house and then doing ghostly shit to scare people away when it's time to remit payment. Expect this night to be crowded.

FRIGHTS CLASSICS

Old favorites, new--and newly creamy-looking--on Blu-ray.

The Beyond (1981) - Frights fans are not only ready for Fulci-level carnage, they're demanding it. Welcome, Uncle Lucio! The Italians sit on the smaller couch with Justin.

Demons (1985) - This has a sick metal score and Justin makes up lyrics for it that are just, "Demons are--every--fuck--ing--where," at different speeds. He bought me the Blu-ray and was like, "I'm gonna need you to go ahead to put that in Frights cause we need a lot of people to see that shit proper." It's his favorite movie. ***Justin's pick.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) - One of horror's great fiascoes, a Halloween sequel with no connection to Michael Myers. Don't fret--it's a bizarre, vaguely-Italian-horror-vibing nutbar with magic masks that make snakes and shit come out of kids' heads. This is the weird turning pro.


OFFICIAL FRIGHTS

Films that don't go together to make categories.

Dark Age (1987) - Long AWOL Australian killer crocodile movie. Remember the footage of this in Not Quite Hollywood where the movie looks awesome even though the crocodile looks like a styrofoam cooler? When shit like this hits my desk, it makes me think, "Yes. There is still important work for Frights to do."

Deadly Eyes (1982) - Killer rats laughing stock from the director of motherfucking Gymkata! Often dissed as the movie "where the rats are played by dachshunds in costumes." Is that supposed to be discouraging? I've only waited this long to show it cause all the copies are shit quality. ***Olive's pick.

Destroyer (1988) - What can be said? This is a film that actually exists and we have reached the level of actually watching it. Ex-NFL player Lyle Alzado stars as a killer who goes to the electric chair, comes back only "half dead" and starts killing shit double-time. ***Note: Destroyer will be shown on VHS. Like we had a choice. ***Emily's pick.

The Hidden (1987) - This is a real movie. We need to get them in here sometimes. It seems boring now, but when it's pulled in the nightly draw, everyone will be relieved. Kyle MacLachlan's first Frights appearance? I think so.

Hide and Go Shriek (1988) - The feet on that box seem really well groomed. And one is tattooed like it's a geisha's. If I was under the bed looking at those feet, I'd be like, There's nothing to fear here. I can fight back against this person. "Unrated version: Contains a movie too shitty for theatrical release." ***Melissa's pick.

The Outing (1987) - It doesn't matter how shitty this movie is cause somehow THEY GOT DREW STRUZAN TO DRAW THAT BEAUTIFUL FUCKING ARTWORK. I have vivid memories of being a kid, carrying the box around the video store, staring at it, asking, "What's an outing?," and my mom being like, "How about soccer? Would you be willing to join a soccer league? Maybe floor hockey?"

The Sentinel (1977) - The Frights team has a director crush on Michael Winner. He had this magical style where his movies seem like some dry-ass "Masterpiece Theatre" bullshit and then all of sudden something insanely vulgar happens, like someone tries to light a homeless person on fire. When Universal asked Winner to make a devil-panic film to rival Rosemary's Baby and The Exorcist, he declared that those films were "old, limp cabbage from the bin" and he would deliver something so scary it would "cause hundreds of people to kill themselves in fear." A great man.
 

FRIGHTS. SINCE 2008, THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH THIS SHIT.

APRIL'12

Frights Group presents...

APRIL FRIGHTS '12

The Frights that tells you you're six months away from the real Frights.

OFFICIAL FRIGHTS

Where F is passing.

The Carpenter (1988) - Code Red just put this out on DVD. What's the alternative? Not watch it? That "5 Day Rental" sticker makes me wish I was getting it from an actual rental store so I could be like, "No need for the five days, ma'am. I'll be watching this as soon as I get home."

The Carrier (1988) - I saw an old-ass preview for this a while back on some other movie. Looked like a weird 80s video ripoff of George Romero's 70s cheapo The Crazies. So I made a few calls.

Demon Wind (1990) - This had a hologram on the video box, which is pretty much the kiss of death. Like that box for The Dead Pit with red eyeballs that lit up when you pressed a button -- that movie sucked. Anyway, that cartoon monster coming through the window was enough to scare away young me even though the actual creature in the film is made out of a Nerf football decorated with magic markers. Also, 1990? Ouch.

Premutos: The Fallen Angel (1999) - The return of Frights' new favorite filmmaker, Olaf Ittenbach! I actually pre-screened this (a breach of Frights protocol) to see if Olaf could possibly deliver on the insane promise of the mighty Burning Moon. It's 80 some minutes of boring, unfunny people-sitting-around type shit and then a 20 minute explosion of crazy nonstop gore. Basically a good news/good news situation. ***Emily's Pick. ***Justin's Pick. ***James' Pick. ***Olive's Pick.

A Return to Salem's Lot (1987) - Once, when I was really young and watched Short Circuit on HBO, the announcer voice was like, "Next...on HBO...you are about to get your balls scared off by...A Return to Salem's Lot." And my mom was like, "Give me the remote, there's no way you're watching this." Ever since, I've always assumed it was something like a Faces of Death movie with real footage of people getting killed. But I looked at some screenshots just now and it seems roughly as disturbing as a haunted house I put on in my basement when I was five.

OLD SCHOOL SLASHERS

Do you how many 80s slashers Frights has shown? Practically millions. Point is, it took us hard work to get to the bottom, but here we are. Enjoy it.

Killer Party (1986) - The party takes place on April Fool's Day. That more than makes up for the fact that this film is considered the dregs of the 80s slasher cycle. Even turds like Final Exam and Prom Night beat it up and take its lunch money. ***Melissa's Pick.

Night School (1981) - I don't like this poster art's attitude, how it's like, "I may be a bloody slasher film OR I may be some psychological type shit for the fancy set." Who the fuck let this movie in here?


SARAH FRIGHTS

This section is where we show some Disney channel b.s. so Sarah can actually participate in a Frights without crying and wanting to move out.

Pin aka "Peen" (1988) - This film is legendary for a being one of Sarah's favorite horror movies even though she's only seen approximately one third of it. And even though it's not any good. It involves Terry O'Quinn (The Stepfather) doing ventriloquism with a "transparent man" medical doll to tell his dorky kids about how their wieners work or some such shit. Then the kids grow up and treat the doll like a real person. It's Canadian and "psychological" in a take-a-nap kind of way.

MIND MELTERS

Everyone's favorite section, the one where the films leak juice on your brain.

Sledge Hammer (1983) - This DVD has been sitting on my shelf taunting me, waiting for April to come for months now. I goddamn blind-bought the thing so we could watch it in Frights. What are the chances I'm gonna regret that? Infinity? Plot appears to involve a killer with a hammer, but also a ghost I think. And also, nonsense and smeary video.

Things (1989) - Things has appeared on more Frights lineups than any other film. Last October, we actually started watching it. It was a disaster. A riot broke out after ten minutes and we had to shut the film down. There were widespread cries of, "The images don't connect to each other in any way," and, "I can't be in the room with this." This time, the whole thing gets watched. If I have to do it alone, so be it.

PREMIERES

Emily will keep rejecting the randomly drawn film of the night until one of these comes up. Then she will ask the runtime.

Creature - Remember how we kept seeing this preview in theaters and it looked like some Sci-Fi Channel shit? Me too.

The Sleeper - I was shown that poster and promised practical effects and nudity. We signed the papers right then and there.

The Theatre Bizarre - Since we have a special side entrance in this place for anthologies, I didn't even get to frisk this bad boy. It just came right in.

FRIGHTS. GRADING SHIT ON A CURVE SINCE 2008.