Friday, March 29, 2013

APRIL '13

Frights Group presents...



APRIL FRIGHTS '13

The movies keep getting worse, but you guys keep showing up. Behold: more nuggets I chiseled off the inside of a dumpster.

SHITFEST: SLASHER DOUBLE FEATURE



Hauntedween (1991) - The dumbest movie title in the history of Frights. After all these years, we're still setting new benchmarks. I love how on that box cover there was a big chunk ripped off and someone colored it in with pen. Brings you back to a time when people cared about shit.

Rush Week (1991) - This cover art looks like a brochure for some wack dinner theatre place. It's totally confusing and it was even before the mid 90s when all horror posters turned into WB show cast "lineups." How intense is blue-shirt dude's secret love-gaze for the fancy guy? Maybe my most anticipated film in the lineup. ***Emily's Pick ***Melissa's Pick

MIND MELTERS



Devil Story (1985) - Remember when we watched like ten minutes of Ogroff and it was just vaguely ominous wide shots of people walking around woods and fields and everyone was like, "Wait. There's 70-some more minutes of this shit?" Well, now there's this.

TerrorVision (1986) - An American straight-to-video production shot in Italy with weirdness set so deep in the bones, it makes you squint. After this, the next film you watch that actually tries to be weird won't even register. People had to literally not know what the fuck each other were saying in order for something to go this wrong and dumb. And stupid. Important to note: it has its own theme song. ***Justin's pick. Seriously, Justin was like, you better fucking put TerrorVision on there.



WEREWOLVES

Bad Moon (1996) - 1996...a little past the Frights sweet spot. At least the werewolf and gore effects are still all practical. And a little Michael Pare won't hurt anyone. So quit complaining. On the curve of werewolf movies, which almost all suck by the way, this is high end shit.



Lone Wolf (1988) - This is about a werewolf and a metal band. Metal/horror films always sound killer on paper, but then you end up with shit like Shock 'em Dead, Trick or Treat and Rocktober Blood. Actually, wait a minute. Those movies were good.


FRIGHTS FIGHTS



Bloodmoon (1997) - Check it out. A scary karate movie! A serial killer is targeting martial arts type dudes. All the so-bad-it's-good reviews online are like, "No, seriously, the fight scenes are actually pretty good." And I'm like, "No, seriously, it doesn't matter. I've seriously already decided to watch the living shit out of it."

FRIGHTS HALL OF FAME INDUCTEE



Slugs (1988) - A special encore screening of Slugs, one of the itchiest, oiliest sacks of garbage we've ever dumped into the TV. Look at the mark on the box where there used to be another sticker. Apparently they had this in the "Drama" section until someone complained. Either that or someone ripped off the "Chad's Employee Pick" sticker.




OFFICIAL SELECTIONS



Contamination (1980) - This is some Alien ripoff bullshit perpetrated by the Italians, so Justin should enjoy it. It got a foot in the door by promising a head-explosions-per-minute rate of approximately 62. And that VHS cover is artistic as hell.



Demon Seed (1977) - People have been saying for a while that this thing is Frights gold, but I've been hesitant cause it looks all reputable and shit. Then I heard something about Julie Christie being raped by a computer and I reconsidered. 



The Devil's Gift (1984) - This was a bittersweet moment. Cause first you're like, HOLY SHIT A KID-WITH-A-KILLER-TOY MOVIE I'VE SOMEHOW NEVER HEARD OF?!?! But then like three seconds later, you're like, man, it must suuuck. Anyway, the evil toy is one of those little monkeys with the cymbals. So that seems cool. I can't decide if that box art is awesome or it sucks. The title made out of ribbon is kinda weak, but then, it may just be the movie playing hard to get.



The Horror Show (1989) - Brion James plays a killer named "Meat Cleaver" Max. Like you need to know more shit than that to show up for this? I remember seeing some of it on HBO and there's a part where they have to crank the electric chair up to full blast to phase him and he's yelling like, "This is chickenshit," or something and then he starts puffing up like that dude in Big Trouble in Little China. I also remember looking at this Fangoria at the grocery store really hard:


I was like, "Mom! Mom! Freddy's invading TV! I'm allowed to watch TV!" Man, all my stories are the same.



Night Life (1989) - Scott Grimes followed the stand-up double of Critters and Critters 2: The Main Course with...a zombie movie I've never even heard of? Well, who are we at Frights to judge? Sorry we didn't get to this sooner, Mr. Grimes. It slipped down between my desk and my once having standards.



Witchboard (1986) - From Kevin S. Tenney, director of Frights classic Night of the Demons. I was never even close to allowed to see this as a kid cause my mom was super freaked out by Ouija Boards. She was always like, "Horror movies are one thing, but Devil shit's another. I don't like Devil shit." As I result, I for a long time equated renting this movie and pressing play with basically daring Satan to burst you into flames. Today, it actually looks like one of the sleepier titles on the roster. And I already did a test where I made Sarah press play on it. Nothing happened.
 

THERE MAY BE SURPRISES TOO GODDAMMIT.

1 comment:

  1. Why is this not a touring event yet?! Lazy. :)

    ReplyDelete